Udaho

As it has been incredibly difficult to access any sort of human being from my life on a telephone in the past few weeks, my frustrations and over energetic brain are in a place of unease, and this is the best way I can fathom feeling better about what's going on.

I have this really strange homesickness for the first time I think in my whole life. Maybe it has something to do with the fact I'm isolated from people my age and who emphasize with my current situation, but I feel a really strong longing to be back in Kansas and an equally strong pull for Springfield. I constantly have dreams about people in Wichita and more dreams than I can count about Nonna's. I don't mean to feel ungrateful for my fantastic job, because I truly feel I am learning so much and experiencing the United States, which are both incredibly valuable, but I was hoping to be over this sense of loss that I can't shake.

I received an email from an acting professor explaining that the bfa acting showcase is now traveling, and this spring the '10 class are going to LA with their pieces. My class is invited, and this sounds like a phenomenal experience that I am unfortunately missing because of my fantastic year long contract  that I was so eager to sign in February and am now sort of sad I did. This girl is getting soft! That isn't so comforting- I refuse to be a needy person, but it turns out maybe I do need people and a freedom to make decisions on the fly if I have to. 

On a different wave, I have realized recently that as a person who has never desired children of my own and only expected this to strengthen given my current job, when I see a baby or toddler and young children around me I have an urge to have one. This is a foreign concept to me for so many reasons, and yet I am starting to worry about a biological ticking clock... And I wonder, are there single women in the world who regret decisions not to have children when they could and grew up successful and hit 45 and realized that they missed something? Or is this just a phase that all women go through because their bodies are supposed to spit out children until they no longer can do so? I wish we could see our lives in the future and feel out the things we wished to have done, that way I could know if that is something I should be thinking about more responsibly. 

I'm ready to get the fuck out of Idaho.