End of October.

Wow, it hardly feels like this month can be almost over. The tour is half over for the fall, and while sometimes it feels like forever, it really has gone so fast!

This past week was a godsend. Dan and Katie were with us in Yakima, we had a remarkable cast, and it was in an actual city with more than one restaurant and a gas station.

Halloween on saturday! We reconvene in a college town half way between our city and their city for debauchery and fun times.

The Springfield trip is scrapped, unfortunately. The reason I was going has been postponed, thus the money it costs to go and the money I would undoubtedly spend is unreasonable with my current salary, so I am now counting down to the Christmas holiday to visit.

Other postitives-

seeing Darci and Jared in Portland in December.

Tugs and Wichita in less than a month.

I figured out how to Skype.

It's Fall!

I have so many amazing books to read.

Negatives-

We are again without cell service.

I am so sad to miss all the productions at MSU this year, and really need an acting class.

I am so out of shape (physically, too, but not what I'm going for) to audition.

October is almost over.

happy thoughts.

In light of missing things, I thought I'd make a list of some of the things I really miss from home, the little things I never really thought of as monumental, but are the first to pop in my head when I am thinking about it.

Our house

11 o'clock crazy hour

chasing Colin around the kitchen

Late nights on the porch w/ J

Emily's laugh

Movie night with JMo

Movie night being crashed by everyone we love

Sushi dates w/ Jack

NONNA'S

Downtown springfield

Townhouse thursday

Hank, Elfie, Leo and Murphy

Check-in with Stacy

Balcony

Laughing until I cried at Andy's Childhood stories

Gailey's late morning breakfasts

recapping the night before with the roommates

driving down Seminole in the fall

Backseat Time

Stopping to visit Mika and Raj every chance I had

Jay!

Crashing the theatre district

the inept space that is kickapoo, and how we loved it anyway

Advanced movement class

meeting the freshmen

doing 'work' for Angie

...playing bejewled blitz 2 with Alex on Angie's computer

auditioning.

small list of things that make me smile when I think about them.

I just put some darker red in my hair for fall, and did so in a house of a family where Dave and I are staying. They probably thought I was sacrificing an animal or something because it took so long and there is a blood colored substance on tissues in the trash can. Man, that would be a story to tell.

We go to the U of Montana hc football game saturday, and in the past few days have had the pleasure of seeing a lot of TAD's in the seattle area. Just catching up with a few other people makes it seem so much less lonely. I can do this.

Thanksgiving is just around the corner!

week one off-

Seattle visit. The facebook obsession has become more of a problem in the last few weeks with the longings for home.

What am I doing?

This job... this fantastic job, though is great and I am learning so much, is really reminding me how I need people in my life. I have to surround myself with those who I love in order to be content.

I had a good conversation today that lead me back to my major need to be in Chicago. Countdown to May.

Better luck in Washington?

I hate the internet.

As a person of my generation, trained for instant gratification and multitasking, the lack of access to my electronic devices is personal hell. That combined with the 14+ spider infestation in my living space in the last two weeks is possibly life ruining. Turns out, all I needed was a little motivation to start to overcome arachnophobia, which I have been a victim of my entire life. I'm making huge strides- I haven't killed one yet, and I even rescued a big, scary one and put it outside. That was the highlight of my week, other than a boy named Jargon (his name wasn't really Jargon, but I always almost called him that) and a girl in the show who thought she was a pop diva and sang like a disney princess avec the shaking head vibrato. Watch out, Hilary Duff.

It is now Sunday, September 27th, and it is hard to believe October is almost here. We are staying at a church campsite that is quaint up to it's homecooked and free meals community style, to its dorm-type housing equipped with twin beds. I'm not complaining- own room with cell service and a bathroom to myself- fine. And no more Udaho.

Count down until Portland and the Jasons' visit: 10 weeks.

Udaho

As it has been incredibly difficult to access any sort of human being from my life on a telephone in the past few weeks, my frustrations and over energetic brain are in a place of unease, and this is the best way I can fathom feeling better about what's going on.

I have this really strange homesickness for the first time I think in my whole life. Maybe it has something to do with the fact I'm isolated from people my age and who emphasize with my current situation, but I feel a really strong longing to be back in Kansas and an equally strong pull for Springfield. I constantly have dreams about people in Wichita and more dreams than I can count about Nonna's. I don't mean to feel ungrateful for my fantastic job, because I truly feel I am learning so much and experiencing the United States, which are both incredibly valuable, but I was hoping to be over this sense of loss that I can't shake.

I received an email from an acting professor explaining that the bfa acting showcase is now traveling, and this spring the '10 class are going to LA with their pieces. My class is invited, and this sounds like a phenomenal experience that I am unfortunately missing because of my fantastic year long contract  that I was so eager to sign in February and am now sort of sad I did. This girl is getting soft! That isn't so comforting- I refuse to be a needy person, but it turns out maybe I do need people and a freedom to make decisions on the fly if I have to. 

On a different wave, I have realized recently that as a person who has never desired children of my own and only expected this to strengthen given my current job, when I see a baby or toddler and young children around me I have an urge to have one. This is a foreign concept to me for so many reasons, and yet I am starting to worry about a biological ticking clock... And I wonder, are there single women in the world who regret decisions not to have children when they could and grew up successful and hit 45 and realized that they missed something? Or is this just a phase that all women go through because their bodies are supposed to spit out children until they no longer can do so? I wish we could see our lives in the future and feel out the things we wished to have done, that way I could know if that is something I should be thinking about more responsibly. 

I'm ready to get the fuck out of Idaho.